Jargon Buster

Here at robertson technologies, we pride ourselves on plain speaking. Here are some common computing terms and what they mean – explained in plain English. That's a non-jargon way of saying this is our computing lexicography.

Hard Drive
The fragile bit at the heart of your computer that carries all your data and other stuff that makes your computer work. In reality, not very hard at all – that's why it needs a lot of backup. In a fist fight, it would run away. There is no soft drive.

Engineer (male)
Suave, sophisticated, dapper individual, whose dress sense shames Beau Brummell. The intellectual peer of Albert Einstein, with the wit of George Clooney and the charm of Patrick Stewart. Sorts out computing problems before lunch and great with kids.

Engineer (female)
The versatility of Myleen Class with the independence of Lara Croft thrown in for good measure. A girls' girl, and a commensurate professional. Sorts out computing problems before lunch, and enjoys a game of football – especially with kids.

Keyboard
Infuriating mental torture device developed by a now-deposed South American junta. Designed to break fingernails and spirit all in one. Sometimes thought of as electric Scrabble. Curiously percussive – hitting it harder makes other computer devices work better.

RTFM
Invitation to examine instruction protocols before further recourse to expert assistance. "Read The Flipping Manual".

PICNIC
problem in chair, not in computer. Common operational error that places chosen operator too close to the computer. Uncomfortable for operator and all colleagues. In such cases "too close" is defined as "within arms length of the keyboard".

S-Video Output
Greatest Hits compilation from late 90s teen band.

WiFi
New flavour from the popular CrappyCaffe chain, alongside "Lukewarm Latte", "Mocha Choca"; "Espresso Steamo" and "Watery WiFi".

WiFi Hotspot
The only thing that's hot in a branch of CrappyCaffe (except the Frappe).

Ethernet Port
Esoteric computer connection, or a new ghost series starring Yvette Fielding and Derek Acorah. Makes your computer work with other computers and stuff in an entirely spooky way.

Power Adapter
Device that one frequently finds left behind, plugged into hotel socket, just as laptop battery warning comes on. Also a handy electricity supply that converts mains electricity to suit the power input on laptops – supplied in most hotel rooms (by previous guest).

E-mail
Alternative to conversation, and a way to make the courtesy of "How are you?" last all morning.

E-commerce
An aspiration to sell your products or services to customers over the internet. In reality, the way you buy paperclips in the 21st century.

E-by-gum
An expletive (vernacular to Yorkshire). No specific reference to computing, except where robertson technologies have not been engaged to maintain and monitor systems.

Server
Computing deity, worshipped by other computers. That which must be served. May be found in multiple (eg: the server array). Only ever seen by high-priest of computing – the engineers. Also alternative term for waiter or waitress. Not to be confused with "My name is Dell, and I'll be your server this evening".

Uniform Resource Locator (URL)
All the data allowing access to a resource hosted by an Internet server. A bit like a good concierge, but without the smart uniform or their own desk. Better known as a website address.

Modem
A device that converts pretty flashing lights into the internet. Common office obstacle for cleaning staff – often recovered from bagless vacuum cleaner.

Router
A device that converts even more flashing lights into even bigger Internets. However, equally susceptible to accidental vacuuming.

Wireless Router
Like a Router, but has a large pointy bit (antenna) to prevent ingestion by vacuum cleaner.

 
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